Dear Ruby
It’s October the 16th – it’s been an hour since we last spoke on the phone. I needed to talk to you. I just needed to hear your voice, because it’s the one thing that makes me feel good.
NIGHTMARES
I have this black dog on my shoulder. I just had an insufferable night; though the day of the 15th started off pretty swell with my son celebrating his birthday. We didn’t get to see one another that afternoon as your daughter wasn’t feeling well, but we still got to talk to one another…
I think my son had a blast yesterday. He’s becoming a young man – the type of young man my wife and I had hoped to raise. He’s unostentatious, kind, caring sensitive to the needs of others, and just one helluva great kid. He’s everything one could want in a kid. His character is antithetical of who I am.
POLES APART
What a birthday it’s been; a polar opposite to the day of his birth. He’s been counting down the days, as he’s got to spend the day with his mate whom he hadn’t seen in a year. The two of them went to the eSports arena; then to the movies as they’ve both been dying to see the new Marvel movie. While I ‘allowed’ for them to bask in the vim and vigor of their ‘youth’, it gave me an opportunity to stop over at your place to spend some time with you.
As great as the day had been, the worst was yet to come…
I just want to put it out there that I am by no means a saint. I have my flaws. I can be faulted on several things. I am not perfect, and I surely have no intention on playing God. This happens to be the bane of my existence; its the mere fact that I’m perceived as being ostentatious, when I know for a fact that I’m not. Well, that’s at least what I think.
SICK
I’m sick. I’m sick in the head. I’m a psycho. I’m a master manipulator. I am lucky to be where I am, because I would’ve been sucked into some realm of nothingness. I’m a typical narcissist. I don’t care about anyone but myself. I am selfish. I am rude and extremely disrespectful. I am a terrible father. I’m a terrible husband. I’m a terrible son to my mother. I deserve to have nothing – I will be left with nothing but the clothes on my back. I am also deceitful – a pathological liar is whom I happen to be. I put up a facade, but people will eventually see the real me. I could give you several other descriptions of myself, and probably end up with an opus of some sorts.
Am I seeking your sympathy? No.
GASLIGHTING
I am probably all those things. Perhaps I am. I have no doubt that I’m worth anything. I believe those things. I’ve had to listen to it for so many years that I find that I was meant to be this person. I am of no value to anyone. This world would be a better place without me. I won’t be missed, and I’ll be doing everyone a favour by niggling in the lives of those whom I know, and form part of ‘my circle’.
I am all of the above. You’ve said it for the umpteenth time already Ruby, that I am not that kind of person. I find it hard to believe that I’m not. I’ve told you this before that my childhood was not as merry and pleasant as most of my peers or friends were. I had one shitty life. I used to think that the abandoned dog I’d often see roaming the streets helplessly was better off than I was. Life was just shite, but I’m not going to go into that right now. I’m not here to gaslight you.
THE GREAT CHAIN OF BEING
The point that I’m trying to make is that even though I am described as being the worst possible person to have walked the face of the earth, there’s no way in which I’ll ever be convinced that this is otherwise. I was meant to be at the very bottom of the chain of being – the scum of the earth.
I consider my predicament to be more than just a moral dilemma; I am caught between the devil and the deep blue, and I’m sinking at a rapid rate. There goes the Titanic.
I’m not going to go into much detail about what happened the night before. Neither am going to propogate a narrative to comfort my misfortunes. I’ll tell you nothing but the truth; it will present to you a delineation of the truth – my guilt. This black dog is a representation of the choices that I made.
KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE
I decided to pay you a call while I was at the eSports arena. I decided to drop by at your place, while my son was at the movies. I was the one who avoided my wife’s calls. I blatantly lied to her – first glazing the perfect lie as to where I was. I got a bit tongue tied as I first told her that I was in the parking lot. The next thing I knew I was telling her that I was driving along the mountain – making my way back from the beach. It’s a far cry from where I was at that specific moment. I wasn’t present at all.
I’m not blaming you for anything, Ruby. It was a choice that I made. I don’t blame my wife either, because I took what was factual and fabricated it into false accusations. I infuriated her to the point where everything she told me last Friday was poetic justice. As callous and crude as her words were, she had every reason to snap at me. She had every reason to throw the book at me, ripping away at my stocking mask. I don’t know how I managed to keep a straight face, but I did.
We’re in the process of selling our house and will soon move into the new property we’ve purchased. I don’t know if I’ll be moving along with the rest of them. I would like to take a leap of faith and move out. I’m still a bit confused as to whether or not it’s too soon. My sons still need me around, and I fear that my wife won’t be able to cope with having to live under one roof with the boys, without me being ‘present’. I know that there are numerous people out there that have taken this leap of faith. For some it has been a fruitful experience. Others however, have not been that fortunate.
THE TRUTH CAN SET YOU FREE
I don’t want to be hated by my kids; they will probably hate me. I don’t expect of her to sugarcoat things. She needs to tell them the truth – they deserve to be told the truth. I don’t want to hurt them, but I know that I will. All that I can do is try to make them understand in bits and pieces while they’re still young. I’ll simplify things for them – trying in whichever way I can to coddle the infection.
Whatever happens between my wife and I shouldn’t change the fact that I’m still their father. I still have be the best dad that I can be. I would prefer that I be destroyed than for them to end up at the bottom of the well. The road won’t be easy, and it will affect them psychologically (including several aspects of their lives). I would also hope for my wife and I to have an amicable settlement to the disputes that we’ve had over the past couple of weeks. I know that she will be hurt by this. You too would inadvertently be affected by it.
AM I ALL OF THE ABOVE?
Descartes put it quite beautifully when he said, “I think, therefore I am”. I cannot doubt that I am most likely everything that my wife has described; therefore I cannot doubt that it defines my existence. It’s a choice that I’ve made. I’ve chosen to love you. I want to love you. Do I have doubts that there will be a ‘forever’? No. Do I believe that it’s going to be a walk in the park? No.
But we can do it; we’ll make it through all the obstacles that cross our path. For now we just have to look for the silver lining.
Love
Frank James, the writer.
Dear Ruby 